


Y Is For Yearning

by SK_Kasai



Series: The A-Z of One Lucifer Morningstar [25]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar, F/M, Fluff, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) Needs A Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:40:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28010301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SK_Kasai/pseuds/SK_Kasai
Summary: “That I do.”“But has anyone ever asked you what do you desire?”She’d stumped him.He couldn’t decide if she was joking or serious, his brow furrowed like he was wondering where their conversation about half-angel babies had gone.“Your point is?”“My point is that that’s not fair.” Chloe concluded, “Desire, yearning, whatever… You deserve to have your desires fulfilled too, Lucifer.”And… she’d broken him.Awesome.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Series: The A-Z of One Lucifer Morningstar [25]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1654774
Comments: 17
Kudos: 296





	Y Is For Yearning

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt by the awesome frckica because I just couldn't resist.
> 
> This is... angsty I think. Yeah, I hate myself too💖

Honestly, Chloe can’t pinpoint what got her to think about it.

Somewhere between thinking about nuns and that case with Lieutenant Diablo and all the talk about “yearning”, it occurred to her.

What was Lucifer’s deepest desire?

She’d had his mojo of course and she’d tried it on him several times.

_I want to have sex with you another four times- six actually._

_I want my mojo back!_

She didn’t doubt that those were his desires at the moment she’d asked the question. After all, she’d pulled them out of him with his own celestial powers. Yet, why did she feel like something was missing?

She didn’t know much about his mojo.

Anything he’d told her about it before she found out the truth about him had been background noise to her; nothing more than Lucifer being Lucifer 90% of the time. Now that she knew though? Oh, she had _questions._

Questions about complicated people and deep desires and how quickly can desires change.

Questions about how celestials were affected and how she’d managed to steal his mojo anyway.

So many questions…

But, at the end of the day, she only wanted one of them answered.

What did Lucifer truly desire?

She mulled it over for a few days, asking him random questions about his mojo from time to time. Chloe didn’t bother pretending to understand more than maybe… 30% of the celestial craziness in her life? Probably less, but oh well.

She realized that she’d never reach a true answer. How could she when Lucifer was… _complicated?_

So, she might as well just ask him.

They’d been having dinner out on his balcony, chatting and staring into each other’s eyes like the lovestruck fools that they were when she decided to do it.

The night was beautiful; calm and quiet and just the perfect balance between chilly and warm.

The city was alive below, but they might have as well been the only two people in the universe.

How could he bring out the most lovesick, sappy, cheesy parts of her?

She brushed her hand over his, not missing the way he tensed a little bit.

“Detective?”

He was looking at her like he knew something was going on, waiting. For someone as emotionally tone deaf as her boyfriend, he could be remarkably considerate when he wanted to be.

“What’s on your mind, love?”

“Nothing major.” She looked up, meeting his eyes, “Lucifer?”

His eyes were fixed on her, narrowed, yet oddly mellow. He had this look that he would always give her, almost like she was the best source of warmth and he’d found her after he’d been freezing in an endless storm for eternity.

“Yes, Detective?”

“What do you _truly_ desire?”

She put as much emphasis on "truly" as she dared, wondering if it made a difference or not.

Lucifer blinked, frowning.

“Do you think you have my mojo again?” He sounded worried, “I… I don’t feel a thing though, Detective.”

“No, no.” Chloe shook her head, leaning back in her chair, “It’s nothing like that.”

“Oh.” Lucifer looked between her face and their clasped hands, thoughtful as though he was trying to put together puzzle pieces only he could see, “Then… Well, I’d never say no to sleeping with you another four times. Six actually.” He winked, grinning at her.

“It’s not that.” She slapped his wrist, huffing a short laugh.

“It’s not?”

“No?” Chloe sounded confused herself. How could she not when she had no idea what was happening?

“So that wasn’t… foreplay?” He wasn’t even disappointed, “I am afraid I don’t follow.”

“It’s nothing.” She cleared her throat, “You were telling me about how Charlie and your devil face?”

“Detective.” He whined, “What do I desire… Truly desire…? In what sense, darling?”

In what sense…

That was the question she’d love to have answered.

“What do you want more than anything in the world?” Chloe bit her lip, “What’s the one thing you’ve always wanted?”

Was that clear enough?

She felt silly.

Here she was, trying to pull out the original tempter’s deepest desire. Did he even know?

“You.” Lucifer said, not even missing a beat.

“Cute.” She smiled, “But it’s just that…”

“Just that what?”

“People are drawn to you because you pull out their desires, right?” Chloe mused.

He nodded, not knowing where she was going with this.

“So, all these humans… Everyone, really, they just see _their_ desires reflected back at them when they look at you.”

“Part of my charm.” He grinned, proud of himself.

“Yes, but, none of them see you.”

“You see me.” Lucifer reminded her, voice low and gentle, “My mojo has never worked on you.”

“No, it hasn’t, but it’s like your mojo… It’s like you’re so focused on everyone’s desires that you don’t even know how to acknowledge your own.”

“Of course not.” He laughed, finding what she was saying ludicrous, “I’m all about desire, Detective.”

Yeah when the desire was what? Cool ranch puffs? Any materialistic stuff? Random fun?

“You fulfill people’s desires.” Chloe continued, “You go around asking everyone what they desire.”

“That I do.”

“But has anyone ever asked you what do _you_ desire?”

She’d stumped him.

He couldn’t decide if she was joking or serious, his brow furrowed like he was wondering where their conversation about half-angel babies had gone.

“Your point is?”

“My point is that that’s not fair.” Chloe concluded, “Desire, yearning, whatever… You deserve to have your desires fulfilled too, Lucifer.”

And… she’d broken him.

_Awesome._

“I’m here for you.” She gulped, “Always, Lucifer, okay?”

“Yes, I know.” He blinked again, gaze softening, “And I you, Detective.”

“So, what do you truly desire?”

He stared at her for the longest time, processing. 

And wasn’t that some sort of tragedy? He’d open his mouth and close it, never finding the words to answer her question or to even change the subject.

No puns. No innuendo. No banter to annoy her into forgetting about this for a while.

Just utter loss and confusion.

And all of that was because she’d asked the King of Desire himself about his own desires.

His father hadn’t had fairness in mind when he’d designed the universe, huh?

Eventually, she took pity on him. Chloe rose from her seat, taking two steps towards him. He didn’t move, but his eyes followed her, lips slightly parted as if he was still hunting for something to say.

She placed a finger on his soft, plush lips, shushing him. He closed his mouth and gulped, searching her eyes, begging her for an answer.

She might as well cry.

She didn’t though, deciding that he deserved… better. Maybe she shouldn’t have asked in the first place. What had possessed her to come up with something like this?

She’d noticed that he wasn’t very good at expressing what he wanted when it truly mattered early on in their partnership. In her mind, that had been filed somewhere in the huge collection of memories that seemed to prove how broken and damaged Lucifer Morningstar was.

It hadn’t been enough.

“It’s okay.” She murmured, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

It wasn’t okay.

How could it be okay?

She didn’t even know what she’d started, but _damn._

Slowly, she found herself sitting sideways in his lap, craning her neck to kiss him. It was almost funny, the way her body moved without any conscious thought on her part, seeking him out. 

“Detective…” He whispered, lost.

She knew that no words would follow her title. She’d heard him call her that what must have been a million times, and yet, this time felt different.

“I’ve got you.” Chloe wrapped her arms around his neck, resting her ear on his sternum.

She wasn’t sure when they got to the part of their relationship where she plopped down on his lap and proceeded to kiss him, but it was… good.

Sometimes, words weren’t enough.

_***cries in Deckerstar*** _

Chloe would’ve loved to say that she’d forgotten about their little talk on the balcony. 

In a way, she had.

She’d obsessed over it for a while, wondering what the Devil wanted.

She didn’t know why it was important. It wasn’t like most people knew their deepest desire. As a matter of fact, she’d seen the shocked looks on people’s faces after Lucifer was done using his mojo on them more times than she could count.

But, no one had ever asked him what he wanted and that was enough to break something within her.

Lucifer didn't bring it up again either. When she'd woken up the following morning, it was to an empty, cold bed and the wonderful scent of coffee and breakfast.

Lucifer's favourite coping mechanism that wasn't alcohol, sex or drugs: ignore it until it goes away.

She followed his lead, not knowing what else to add to the topic. 

Until now.

She'd been holding him for the past ten minutes or so, rubbing his bare back and playing with his hair.

He'd been talking in his sleep, eventually waking her up just in time to watch him have a nightmare.

It wasn't even a bad nightmare, not by Lucifer standards anyway. She'd woken him up without incident and he hadn't talked since then.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” He shook his head, “Wasn’t that bad.”

“Do you always have a lot of nightmares?”

He shook his head again, whispering, “Sometimes.”

“You okay?”

“Yes.” This time he smiled, moving away from her. He plopped down onto the pillows next to her, pulling her along gently until she was lying almost on top of him.

Lucifer stroked a hand through her hair, his eyes fixed on the ceiling.

“You okay?” He asked, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s fine.” She sighed, “I’m okay.”

_Just worried about you._

Apparently, it was his turn to comfort her. Comfort wasn’t something that she considered to be quid pro quo. When someone you loved needed support, you were there for them, no strings attached. She’d often wondered if Lucifer knew that or not.

But she was tired.

It was well past midnight and she’d barely slept for a few hours. He smelled so good and he was so warm and so _here._

Next to her.

Not in Vegas or Hell or Heaven. 

She kissed his shoulder, trying not to think about what he could’ve been seeing in his dreams. He didn’t look too shaken. Sometimes, it would take her hours to calm him down after one of his… _particularly_ bad nightmares.

So maybe this was a good sign. Maybe she was overthinking this.

“It _is_ you, Detective.”

“Hmmm?”

“What I truly desire.” He elaborated, brushing a long strand of hair away from her eyes, "That is my answer."

She sat up a bit, folding her arms on his broad chest and setting her chin on top of them. He was beautiful like this; disheveled, sleepy and illuminated by nothing but the moonlight streaming into his bedroom.

It took her a moment to remember their conversation on the balcony.

“For all of eternity?”

_I spent thousands of years in Hell imagining our reunion. Getting my partner back… getting you back._

“In a way.” Lucifer mused, “I…”

He trailed off, pausing to study her face. She let him, mostly because she loved taking him in as well and because she knew better than to push him.

From the way his eyes were softly shining, she knew that this was going to be another deeply emotional revelation.

“Love, I suppose.” Lucifer finally admitted, “In Hell, there’s no love, Detective. No warmth or friendship or kindness. Back in the Silver City… Well, I can hardly remember the times we used to be a family before Mum and Dad began fighting almost all the time. No love there as well.”

Chloe couldn’t bring herself to talk. She felt like she should comfort him, or say something at least. She should assure him that he deserved all the love the universe had to offer or maybe that none of that was his fault. 

Yet, she remained quiet, listening.

“Dad tossed me out and I was… hurt. Angry. Bloody _furious_.” He scoffed, glaring at the ceiling. When he finally stopped, his eyes didn’t return to her. He seemed almost embarrassed by his confession, wanting to stop talking but not knowing how.

“But as bad as Heaven was, sometimes, I was certain that Hell was… _worse._ Colder. Lonelier.” He huffed a laugh at that, rolling his eyes because being upset about eons of torture was silly, “I grew to think that love was… beneath me. Love was weakness in Hell of course and no weakness could ever be tolerated. But still.”

Still what?

“I was the _Devil,_ Detective. The King of Hell.” He reminded her.

She remembered.

The annoying, egotistical playboy who she’d wanted to shoot several times a day.

She hadn’t been exaggerating when she said she found him repulsive on a chemical level.

“Now, though, after talking to Doctor Linda… I believe I was... afraid.” he mused, "Or maybe I just… gave up. No one loved the Devil. No one _could_ love the Devil. So, what was the point of pretending?"

He was scared because the last time he allowed himself to love and be loved…

He'd been thrown out of the only home he'd known, burning like an asteroid for who knows how long until he crashed into the land of nothing but pain and torture. 

It was foolish of her to say she understood, because how could anyone understand something like this? She was only human.

But she valued this insight to his mind, to who he was, despite how much it _hurt._

Did he still think that no one could ever love him?

Did he know that _she_ loved him? So much so that it filled her body, heart, and soul with emotions she couldn't even begin to understand?

"You changed that, Detective. _Chloe._ " 

And Lucifer _smiled._

He smiled as if he hadn't just been describing one of the most horrific things she'd ever heard.

He smiled as if anyone could ever smile after going through all of that.

Actually, the more she thought about it, the fact that he was so… Lucifer… was a miracle.

His beautiful smile had gone through Hell and emerged… _different._

But it was still a smile.

He was bitter and angry and hurt, but he was also annoying and funny and kind. 

He buried his pain beneath the surface, and he still smiled. 

Was she crying?

"You showed me love." Lucifer continued, his gaze never wavering, "You proved me wrong and you were more powerful than my… fears. You still are."

He did that thing where he laughed a little bit; nothing more than a tiny puff of air escaping his lips, a lame attempt to alleviate the seriousness of his words.

"So, _you_ are what I truly desire." Lucifer concluded, "You're love and kindness and light, Detective. What more could I possibly want?"

What was she supposed to say to that?

Her eyes hurt. Her chest hurt. _Everything hurt._

How could it not when he carried around so much pain every single day of his ridiculously long life?

_Fuck._

She hadn't even known that a person could _feel_ this much.

"Detective?"

He was giving her a funny look, pouting with that insanely confused look on his face.

Head tilted, eyebrows furrowed, and eyes narrowed.

Her own adorable, lost devil.

Chloe moved quickly, hugging him, burying her face in the crook of his neck.

"Detective, I didn't mean to make you cry, darling." He sounded panicked, his fingers combing through her hair, "I was merely-"

"Shut up." She ordered, getting up and pressing her finger to his lips.

He looked comical just then; eyes crossed as he stared at her finger, confusion still evident on his face. 

So there was one thing that she could do in response to that of course. 

Kiss him.

Finding a way to make him understand was difficult, but this was a start, right?

"I love you so much." Chloe sighed helplessly, pressing her forehead to his, "Always."

"I love you too." He smiled.

Lucifer didn't say that much. He was good at showing his love, but the words were still… hard for him to say.

For once, she felt like she understood him better.

"I dreamt that I lost you." He sighed, "Again. Not as bad as usual, but still... So I felt like I needed… _You_ are all I want, Detective. What I truly desire. What I _yearn_ for." He teased.

Chloe just hugged him tighter to her, wondering where they could go from here.

They were together though and that was all that mattered. 

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I can't wait for all the Deckerstar angst we're gonna get in the upcoming seasons.
> 
> It won't be like this (obviously, that's why we have fanfiction 😂) BUT STILL
> 
> Stuff like this hurts to think about.
> 
> Only one prompt left...


End file.
